


Loki; God of Trickery and Relationship Guru Extraordinaire

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Stark Technologies, For All Your Text and E-mail Requirements [11]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Bromance, Comedy, Domestic Avengers, Drabble, F/M, Ficlet, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Romance, Stony - Freeform, Texting, avengers text fic, caps!Thor, clintasha (background), homance, lol, omance, seriously how do you guys do it, text fic, the very inappropriate misuse of stark technologies, writing the two lines of smut in this made me DIE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-15
Updated: 2012-08-15
Packaged: 2017-11-12 05:42:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/487354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Texts and e-mails from various Avengers characters. In which Steve discovers slash fanfiction, Thor's convinced that Loki has a warm and gooey inside and Bruce just wants his damn polonium.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loki; God of Trickery and Relationship Guru Extraordinaire

**Author's Note:**

> I think that this might be the penultimate addition to this series, guys. At least for now. This fic is fun as balls to write but I just don't have the time to keep it going for an awful lot longer. Don't cry, though. Or do. I don't care either way. Enjoy!
> 
> For some reason, AO3 thinks this is the last installment in the series. It isn't; it continues here! http://archiveofourown.org/works/539153

“Oh, Tony!” moans Steve, wrapping one leg around his lover’s naked body.

\- Unknown number

 

I’m sorry?

\- Steve

 

“Yeah, you like that,” the older man grunts animalistically between his strong thrusts.

\- Unknown number

 

Who are you and why are you writing this? And I don’t think ‘animalistically’ is a word.

\- Steve

 

Oh, but my friend; I didn’t write this. It seems as though you and your consort have become quite the couple du jour on many media platforms.

\- Unknown number

 

And yes, it is a word. I should know.

\- Unknown number

 

My phone’s underlining it with a little red squiggle. Tony says that means it’s not.

\- Steve

 

Why are you focusing on semantics and not the matter at hand? Your honour is at stake! Surely that just makes your blood boil?

\- Unknown number

 

That is the matter at hand! I can’t stand it when people don’t write properly. It really gets my goat.

\- Steve

 

“You know I do,” pants the blonde as his love-cave is plundered.

\- Unknown number

 

Well, it’s been very nice talking to you. Now I’m going to get Tony to make it so that you can’t text me anymore and I think we’ll all be better off for it.

\- Steve

 

I can assure you that that will not stop me.

\- Unknown number

 

Well, I can try.

\- Steve

 

*

 

Hey Bruce. Bad news.

\- Tony

 

What? Don’t tell me you can’t get me the polonium.

\- Bruce

 

What? No, no. Nothing quite as traumatising as that. Don’t worry, your therapist bill won’t be increasing any time soon. No, it’s just that I applied to host the Olympics in a couple years time. Turns out that Stark Towers isn’t an officially recognised country.

\- Tony

 

And you’re surprised by that because...?

\- Bruce

 

Because Stark Towers is awesome!

\- Tony

 

I mean, Jesus, if Belgium can be considered a country then so can my mansion!

\- Tony

 

It’s at least as big.

\- Tony

 

And it has the added benefit of not having Flemish as an official language.

\- Tony

 

Bruce.

\- Tony

 

Are you dead?

\- Tony

 

Oh, man. I’m going to have to fork out for your funeral, aren’t I? Do they make coffins big enough for Hulks?

\- Tony

 

Heck, your coffin could probably host the Olympics next year.

\- Tony

 

Your coffin could be the next Luxembourg.

\- Tony

 

Hmm, that's really more of an insult than anything else.

\- Tony

 

Hey, Bruce. Your coffin’s so big that it crosses three timezones.

\- Tony

 

Bruce, I have invented an entire new joke as well as an artificially intelligent propelling pencil in the time it’s taken for you to send one text.

\- Tony

 

Sorry! Christ alive, give a guy a moment! I’m filling out paperwork with Fury. Turns out there’ve been some sightings of a lanky guy in a green trenchcoat.

\- Bruce

 

Ooh, gaze into his eye and tell him he’s beautiful, he likes that.

\- Tony

 

Wait, what?

\- Tony

 

Loki?

\- Tony

 

Looks like it, yeah.

\- Bruce

 

Well, there goes my plans for a quiet weekend in bed.

\- Tony

 

And yes, by ‘bed’ I do mean ‘Steve’.

\- Tony

 

Oh, c’mon. That was funny!

\- Tony

 

I just forged your signature and put a little heart at the end of it. Fury has photocopied it and sent it to all the hot receptionists.

\- Bruce

 

Aw, Bruce, you know I only sign my name like that for you.

\- Tony

 

But in all seriousness, and I never thought I’d say that; this Loki thing. What’s the plan?

\- Tony

 

Not sure yet. Think the plan is for a team meeting in a few hours. Be there, Tony.

\- Bruce

 

Or be square?

\- Tony

 

Be whatever shape Tasha pummels you into.

\- Bruce

 

A bloody pulp, then.

\- Tony

 

*

 

BROTHER, I HAVE HEARD WORD THAT YOU ARE TO BE FOUND ON MIDGARD! WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE?

\- Thor

 

Avoiding you, mostly.

\- Unknown number

 

PERHAPS WE COULD MEET? I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO GIVE YOU A TOUR OF THE REALM

\- Thor

 

Perhaps we could pretend that I am not here, for both our sakes.

\- Unknown number

 

DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU DO NOT WISH TO SEE ME?

\- Thor

 

And this surprises you? Truly? After all that’s come to pass, it still shocks you that I no longer wish to spend every waking moment in your shadow?

\- Unknown number

 

YOU ARE MY BROTHER

\- Thor

 

AND I KNOW OF A MOST EXCELLENT DINING EXPERIENCE NEARBY, WHERE POP TARTS ARE ABUNDANT

\- Thor

 

Ha! You think I would be so easily convinced to spend time with you? You truly believe that after years of antagonism, I would be willing to look at you once more as my friend and brother and eat dinner with you? You know nothing of etiquette, Thor. You never did.

\- Unknown number

 

POP TARTS ARE NOT DINNER

\- Thor

 

They’re not?

\- Unknown number

 

NO

\- Thor

 

Then what are they?

\- Unknown number

 

A HEARTY BUT GUILTY BETWEEN-FEASTS SNACK

\- Thor

 

And you think I would be swayed by this? Why?

\- Unknown number

 

THEY COME IN MANY RICH FLAVOURS

\- Thor

 

How many?

\- Unknown number

 

AT LAST COUNT, MORE THAN EIGHT

\- Thor

 

Such as?

\- Unknown number

 

CHOCOLATE

\- Thor

 

I am not so easily moved, Thor.

\- Unknown number

 

But just out of interest, where is this restaurant?

- Unknown number

 

*

 

Hey, do you have a moment?

\- Steve

 

Coulson’s expecting me in his office any minute.

\- Tony

 

Oh. You’re busy, then?

\- Steve

 

As if. I’m still at home. I’ve conveniently forgotten that he phoned me exactly thirty seconds ago to remind me.

\- Tony

 

You know, for one heart-stopping moment, I thought I’d forget to forget and then actually turn up.

\- Tony

 

I don’t think there’s much chance of that happening, somehow.

\- Steve

 

Nope. Did you want something?

\- Tony

 

Yes, but it’s sort of... well. Delicate.

\- Steve

 

Delicate how? Delicate like a fragile flower, Bruce’s constitution or Clint’s relationship with sanity? Or delicate like something you’d read in US Weekly?

\- Tony

 

I’ve never read US Weekly, but I assume that one.

\- Steve

 

It’s sex-related, then. Or it’s about Kim Kardashian. Steve, if it’s about any member of the Kardashian brood, please direct your queries to Fury. I heard he’s boned two of them.

\- Tony

 

It’s not about any ‘Kardashian’. I don’t even know what that is.

\- Steve

 

No-one does. So, spill.

\- Tony

 

Did you know that people write stuff about us? It’s all over the interweb, Tony!

\- Steve

 

‘Stuff’? ‘People’? ‘Interweb’?

\- Tony

 

Darn, internet. Sorry. And yes. Stuff. By people.

\- Steve

 

Don’t be too articulate, will you? There’s only so much information a man can take in.

\- Tony

 

Sexual stuff, Tony. Rude things.

\- Steve

 

Seeing you text the word ‘sexual’ makes me think rude things. So what?

\- Tony

 

Doesn’t it... I don’t know, worry you? That people imagine you doing that sort of thing?

\- Steve

 

Not particularly. I think there are videos of me doing that sort of thing, so it’s nothing new.

\- Tony

 

We’re talking about that later. And OK. I suppose it’s just me being prudish, then.

\- Steve

 

That’s not what I meant.

\- Tony

 

Fine. Fury wants to see you in an hour. I’ll see you there.

\- Steve

 

What did I do?!

\- Tony

 

Please tell me I’m still getting laid tonight.

\- Tony

 

Not a chance.

\- Steve

 

STEVE NO

\- Tony

 

*

 

A little bird tells me you’re meeting your brother later.

\- Bruce

 

THAT IS A LIE. YOU DO NOT HAVE TALKING BIRDS ON MIDGARD

\- Thor

 

I AM NOT SO EASILY FOOLED, FRIEND BRUCE!

\- Thor

 

Darn, that’s me told. Anyway, you do realise that your brother is on every hit list on Earth right now, right?

\- Bruce

 

I AM AWARE THAT HE IS NOT, AS TONY WOULD SAY, ‘MISS CONGENIALITY’, YES

\- Thor

 

He sure isn’t. Miss Megalomania, more like.

\- Bruce

 

I MUST SEE HIM, FRIEND BRUCE. HE IS MY BROTHER AND HE MAY BE IN DANGER IF OTHER FORCES FIND HIM FIRST

\- Thor

 

He’ll be in Azkaban if they find him first.

\- Bruce

 

You won’t get that reference. Anyway, just be careful, all right?

\- Bruce

 

I AM ALWAYS CAREFUL

\- Thor

 

This morning, you managed to trip over Mjolnir and give yourself a black eye from stepping on a broom and hitting yourself in the face with the handle.

\- Bruce

 

I AM USUALLY CAREFUL

\- Thor

 

Just promise me you won’t, you know, get arrested. Or killed. Or Loki—ified.

\- Bruce

 

IF IT MAKES YOU LESS INCLINED TO WORRY, THEN I SHALL PROMISE IT

\- Thor

 

Thanks. Couldn’t have me hulking out in a team meeting with worry, you know? Fury just redecorated.

\- Bruce

 

There are throw cushions and everything.

\- Bruce

 

Anyway, good luck, godspeed and all that.

\- Bruce

 

THANK YOU. I SHALL TELL LOKI THAT YOU SAID HELLO

\- Thor

 

Or you could tell him to die in a hole, you know. That would work for me.

\- Bruce

 

Oh, I sent that. Oops.

\- Bruce

 

YOU DID

\- Thor

 

I SHALL NOT TELL HIM THAT, BUT I THANK YOU FOR ATTEMPTING TO CONVERSE WITH HIM

\- Thor

 

No problem whatsoever.

\- Bruce

 

*

 

I’ve managed to offend America’s sweetheart. How do I do this? How? It’s like kicking a puppy in the face. Every time I upset Captain America, a kitten dies.

\- Tony

 

Good afternoon, Tony. Yes, your CEO IS very busy today.

\- Pepper

 

Pep, help me.

\- Tony

 

I think you’re beyond that, Tony. Really.

\- Pepper

 

Look, it wasn’t my fault, OK?

\- Tony

 

OK, it was. But still!

\- Tony

 

What did you do this time? Brief answers, please. I’m texting under the desk.

\- Pepper

 

Kinky.

\- Tony

 

Oh, ha-ha. I’m in a meeting. One that you’re meant to be in as well, actually. You have the ‘flu. Thank me later.

\- Pepper

 

You’re a lifesaver. All I did was not get offended that people seem to take an inordinate amount of interest in our healthy and vigorous sex life. Is that such a crime?

\- Tony

 

It’s a crime to text me that while I’m in a board meeting! Jesus, Tony. I just threw up in my mouth.

\- Pepper

 

I’m flattered.

\- Tony

 

Look, you have to admit that it’s pretty creepy. I don’t blame Steve for being less than enthusiastic about it.

\- Pepper

 

Well, in most of the stories, he’s VERY enthusiastic. More so than me, usually, which is patently not the case.

\- Tony

 

Except on Thursdays. He really likes Thursdays for some reason.

\- Tony

 

I think it’s a Thor thing, y’know. Stealing his thunder.

\- Tony

 

Get it? Thursday? Named after Thor, god of thunder?

\- Tony

 

Tough crowd.

\- Tony

 

I just earnt you $3,000,000. You can repay me by shutting up and, guess what, talking to Steve.

\- Pepper

 

I knew you’d say that. I knew it.

\- Tony

 

Goodbye, Tony.

\- Pepper

 

I’m going to redecorate your office with Ted Bundy posters.

\- Tony

 

Fine. Do it. Scare off the interns for me. Talk to Steve.

\- Pepper

 

*

 

Have you heard the rumors?

\- Clint

 

Obviously not. What rumors?

\- Natasha

 

SHIELD have a lock on Loki’s whereabouts. He’s in a diner just west of 34th St. WITH THOR.

\- Clint

 

Well, shit. That’s not going to look good on Coulson’s pretty paperwork.

\- Natasha

 

No, it’s not. You think they think Thor’s conspiring or something?

\- Clint

 

Would they think that? Thor fought Loki and saved the world. Surely that would take precedent?

\- Natasha

 

I’m watching them from the top of an office block and I gotta say, Loki’s grinning like a soon to be deflowered virgin at prom. It’s not looking good for Thor. They’re totally going to think he’s betraying SHIELD or something.

\- Clint

 

All of this for a few Pop Tarts? That man is ridiculous.

\- Natasha

 

We have to do something, Tash. They’re probably gonna storm in there any minute and arrest them both. I mean, yeah, they’ll probably be killed trying, but that’s not exactly reassuring me, y’know?

\- Clint

 

Don’t worry. I have a plan.

\- Natasha

 

You do?

\- Clint

 

Brush your hair and put on your tightest LBD, Barton. We’re going to lunch.

\- Natasha

 

*

 

I have to talk to you, apparently. Not that I don't want to, or anything. We just always seem to end up doing this. One of us offends the other and then there’s a big talk and then there’s great sex and then one of us offends the other again.

\- Tony

 

‘One of us’?

\- Steve

 

OK, me. But that’s not my point. Can we just... stop?

\- Tony

 

Stop what? ‘Us’? That’s what you want? That’s your solution?

\- Steve

 

No! No, God, that’s not what I meant. No.

\- Tony

 

Well, good, because in my day, we fixed things. We didn’t just give up and throw them away.

\- Steve

 

‘In my day’. Oh, God. You do know I love you, right?

\- Tony

 

Where is this going?

\- Steve

 

Look, all I’m saying is that this whole vicious cycle we’ve got going is unhealthier than my predilection for vividly coloured alcoholic beverages in tiny glasses. Can we just smooth it out? Cut out the bumps?

\- Tony

 

It’s not that simple.

\- Steve

 

Says who? This is how it’s going to go. I’m going to attempt – and that’s the key word here, Cap, because you can’t tell me off for trying – to think before I speak. In return, you’re going to stop assuming that I’m trying to offend you. Deal?

\- Tony

 

I don’t assume that you’re trying to offend me. You just offend me.

\- Steve

 

Well, OK, next time I upset you, tell me why. Don’t just ignore the subject. Then I’ll know how not to be a douche next time. Really, it’s a win-win situation.

\- Tony

 

Although I’ll miss the incredible make up sex, of course.

\- Tony

 

You are incorrigible.

\- Steve

 

I am going to be sensitive and not make a pun about that.

\- Tony

 

Feel free. I’m skipping the team meeting.

\- Steve

 

We could have our own meeting ;)

\- Tony

 

Where are you?

\- Steve

 

Meet you back at the mansion. Don’t want to start any tongues wagging.

\- Tony

 

None apart from yours, anyway ;)

\- Tony

 

That wasn’t even a good pun. Meet you there in ten.

\- Steve

 

Prepare to be debriefed.

\- Tony

 

I find that offensive.

\- Steve

 

Oh God, really? I’m sorry.

\- Tony

 

Yes. If people aren’t good at puns, they just shouldn’t try. In my day, people who made terrible puns were punished. I was always in trouble, obviously.

\- Steve

 

Subtle. I like it. Make it five.

\- Tony

 

Done.

\- Steve

 

*

 

FRIEND BRUCE! ARE YOU OTHERWISE OCCUPIED?

\- Thor

 

Not with anything important. Why?

\- Bruce

 

FRIENDS NATASHA AND CLINT HAVE JOINED LOKI AND MYSELF AT OUR FAVOURITE FEASTING PLACE! WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN US?

\- Thor

 

I take it you mean the shawarma joint. Having fun, then?

\- Bruce

 

MY BROTHER HAS SO FAR LOST FOUR WRESTLING MATCHES TO THE LADY NATASHA. I FEAR HE WILL SOON TURN TO TRICKERY OR SLAUGHTER

\- Thor

 

Oh, shit.

\- Bruce

 

WE ARE HAVING RIOTOUS GOOD FUN!

\- Thor

 

In that case, give me fifteen minutes. Have you invited the Cap and Stark?

\- Bruce

 

NAY, LOKI HAS IMPLEMENTED A CUNNING PLAN. HE BELIEVES THAT HE HAS BEEN ABLE TO FIX THEIR FLOUNDERING PARTNERSHIP. I DO NOT KNOW HOW, BUT HE IS CERTAIN THAT THEY ARE CURRENTLY HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONS

\- Thor

 

I don’t even want to know.

\- Bruce

 

*

 

You can thank me later.

\- Unknown number

 

Yesfese ok kater ooh toney

\- Steve

 

I shall ask my brother to save you some shawarma.

\- Unknown number


End file.
